


It's An Awful Thing to Be Fearless

by Mhorrioghain



Series: A Selection of Memories [1]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Episode: s07e12 Victory and Death, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:29:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24305944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mhorrioghain/pseuds/Mhorrioghain
Summary: Kix has a lot of time to think about the past, and the one person who always comes up is Jesse.
Relationships: CT-5597 | Jesse/CT-6116 | Kix
Series: A Selection of Memories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1770757
Comments: 10
Kudos: 63





	It's An Awful Thing to Be Fearless

**Author's Note:**

> soooooooo I have a lot of jessix feels and I had to write em down! I haven't written anything in a long time so I hope you enjoy :))

For as long as Kix knew him, Jesse had never been afraid of anything.

Kix was drawn to that fearlessness when they first met as young batchers on Kamino. Back then, Jesse was calm and cocky, unafraid to question authority. It got him in plenty of trouble, the petty fights in the mess, his refusal to refer to an annoying brother as ‘sir’. He didn’t show an ounce of regret as he was being dragged away to reconditioning. Lucky for Kix, it never really worked. 

Jesse carried that rebellious streak with him throughout the war, but he learned respect for their captain and their general. He was confident in what he could do and he trusted Kix to patch him up if he ever were to overshoot himself. Which happened more often than not, though Jesse would never admit it. Kix enjoyed their quiet moments together, Jesse sitting in front of him with his legs crossed, wincing softly as Kix covered his wound with a bacta patch. Kix could count every single one of his scars. He could close his eyes and dream of lounging in their bunk, foreheads pressed together as Kix discovered each mark on his skin again and again and again.

Even after Umbara, Jesse was not a different person. When asked if he feared his execution, Jesse smirked and pulled Kix closer to him and said, “You were standing right in front of me. I would die a happy man if you were the last thing I got to see.” For a second, Kix was completely stunned. How romantic, he thought, despite not understanding his own emotions from that time. He knew anger and sadness and pain, but that day had changed everything. For the first time in his entire life, Kix felt something new: heartbreak. 

Kix pushed down his shaky breath and laughed. “Stop messing with me,” he said, and that was the end of it.

Despite Jesse’s lack of awareness following Umbara, Kix did notice a change in him physically. He trained harder than ever, ate less, showed off more. Their kisses were more passionate than sweet and Jesse was no longer gentle with him when they slept together. Kix subconsciously started growing out his hair to give Jesse something to pull at. He was still getting used to the bristly feeling on the back of his neck and the soreness of the bruises on his hips. He kept quiet about his concern for Jesse’s quickening temper. He wishes now that he hadn’t. They all deserved proper care after Tup and Fives’ sudden deaths. 

_Conspiracy_. Kix hated that word. For a while he hated Fives for sending him down that path. Jesse and Kix didn’t have much time together between missions since Jesse became an ARC trooper, and Kix started falling into theories and threats of mass corruption Fives had planted inside of his mind. The last time Kix had seen Jesse, the man he loved took his face in his hands and kissed him, and when he broke away he uttered a word of goodbye on his lips. Kix can’t remember where he was running off to, or why he was so eager to make sure he kissed him one last time. 

Maybe, just maybe, he knew it was the end.

* * *

Kix learns all he needs to know about what he missed through old holotapes and cracked datapads. It isn’t ideal but it’s the only thing he has. Reminders come few and far between these days. Everything about the last days of the Republic makes him sick to his stomach - the lives that the man he once called General ruined, the destruction of the Jedi, the _conspiracy_ he was so close to understanding. He spent days hidden away in bed after he found out the truth. He refused to believe it had all ended so horribly. Blame weighed heavily on his shoulders for the longest time. _I should’ve been there_ , he kept telling himself. But what happened to him had never been his fault. 

The word ‘clone’ is looked upon with suspicion in the future. Yes, the First Order has armies of men and women who wear the same armour, but underneath their helmets are unique faces. Normal people don’t understand the difference, though. A soldier is a soldier, no matter what face he wears. Kix learns that the hard way. 

Surprisingly, he does not dwell on things that could’ve been for very long. The initial few weeks were torture. Seeing the list of his brothers that died, and the ones that succumbed to the Empire had his stomach in knots. Discovering his own name on the KIA list proved what he feared - Jesse died thinking he was dead. His only relief was seeing a number of clones who had escaped. Rex’s name was pride and place at the top of that list. It made him smile, if nothing else.

He keeps finding more and more lost history wherever he goes. Old scratched helmets, torn letters and recordings of his brothers’ final words to whoever wants to listen. Kix dreads the day he comes across a recording found under a mountain of dust in an old wreckage titled _6116_. 

For as long as Kix knew him, Jesse had never been afraid of anything. But on that tape, there was fear in his voice.

He was crying, voice shaking as the world around him fell apart. As evident from the wreck where the tape was found, his last few moments alive must have been terrifying. Kix sits alone in his bunk and does his best to sit there and _listen_. It isn’t easy. Jesse sounds so defeated. This man is nothing like the man he knew, the man he loved.

_I know you’re not dead, Kix. Those bastards tried to tell me you were - said that you’d gone and killed yerself or ran away. It’s not true. You would never leave me, I -_ Something crashes in the background and Jesse gasps. Their brothers are screaming, begging for their lives. 

_Shit! I wanted more time. Wanted to talk about everything we did together. Wanted to tell ye how much I love you._ The emergency alarm is blaring. Kix can hear every shuddered breath Jesse takes. _I guess I just said it, huh? I - I don’t wish you were here with me. I’m gonna die, Kix. I’m gonna die._

Tears fall down Kix’s face. He covers his mouth to stop himself from crying. 

_I’ve done some stupid things, Kix. Now I’m payin’ for it the hard way. If you ever find this, shit - just know that the last thing I ever said was I love-_

The recording cuts off suddenly. Kix’s heart sinks. In some sick way he wants to hear it until the very end just so he _knows_. Knows that he is dead and not out there somewhere scared and alone. A false hope, he knows, but if there’s any chance. . . 

The crew come back from the wreck shortly after Kix and offer him a helmet they found underneath the dirt. It’s worn and faded and cracked but the old republic symbol is hard to miss. Kix touches it carefully, admiring how well it has stood the test of time. He closes his eyes and places his forehead to the helmet. It’s a familiar feeling, something he hasn’t felt in years. 

* * *

In another world, Kix is running into battle at Jesse’s side, smiling beneath his helmet. In this one, the best he can do is sit at Jesse’s makeshift grave, pining for a love he will never have again. 

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is ahkmenrahdaley if you wanna chat with me about clones!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Soft Moment](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24569470) by [Bookboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookboy/pseuds/Bookboy)




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